No Laughing Matter
by Harley8410
Summary: Detective style story Featuring Harley Quinn and many other familiar Batman characters.
1. Chapter One: An Empty Awakening

**Chapter One: An Empty Awakening**

Harley awoke to the loud rattling of her alarm, vibrating across her bedside table. It wasn't like any other alarm clock that you could buy. It was painted black and red and had a built in bag of laughs.

"Quieten down ya noisy thing. Every darn mornin'!"

She rubbed her eyes before frustratingly slamming her hand on the alarm, silencing it. She nodded her head towards it as if to say 'that showed you'. She rolled over excitedly.

"Mornin' Mr.J...Mr.J? Where'd ya go?"

She curiously looked over the empty space in the bed. He was never usually awake before her. She shrugged it off, rolling out of the bed. Harley went to the corner of the room and opened a small door. she sat down on the floor and placed her legs inside. Of course Harley wouldn't take the stairs like everyone else. instead she built a slide into the cupboard. The slide was striped and looped all the way down to the kitchen area. She lay herself down and slid inside.

"Weeeeeee! Tah dah!"

As her long legs exited the slide, Harley sat herself up.

"Oh Mr.J..."

With delicate movements, Harley stood to her feet. She looked around puzzled. A look of worry now showing through her glistening eyes.

"Very funny Mr.J... You got me good. Mr.J? Puddin'? Come on out now. Please Mr.J, you're scarin' me".

No response. How strange she thought. Surely if he was playing a trick he would have appeared by now. She began to get increasingly panicked. She ran around, looking for him. She opened all the cupboards and even checked in all the draws but no sign of him. She began a search around the house. Leaving no cushion unturned and no room unsearched. He was no where to be found.


	2. Chapter Two: Introducin' A New Me!

**Chapter Two: Introducin' A New Me!**

Harley inhaled deeply. The sudden rush of adrenaline filling her veins, increasing her breathing and irritating her temper. She wasn't really sure how to feel. All she knew was that if this was just some cruel trick, she'd make the joker very, very sorry.

She pondered for a moment, looking deep into her trail of thought. Where could he have gone? Why did he go? The cogs slowly turned in her absent mind. A logical conclusion seemed too far fetched. It is at this time Harley gasped.

"What if...they couldn't, wouldn't...would they?"

A shortly fused rage began to fill her. She couldn't even begin to wonder who would do such a thing. Could someone really have taken her Puddin'?

She approached the mirror, carefully applied her make up and ever so gently put on her face mask. She started deeply into her reflection.

"I'll show 'em...listen up Gotham...you better not've taken my Mr.J! Indroducin' a new me...Detective Harley is on the case"

A playful giggle escaped her lips before she headed for the front door. Once at the door she grabbed her signature baseball bat and locked the door. An unusual security system was then put into place. It consisted of chattering teeth, a cream pie, balloons and a gathering of readied revolvers.


	3. Chapter Three: Templar, Templar

**Chapter Three: Templar, Templar.**

Not being the brightest flower in the bunch, Harley looked where most others wouldn't even consider; Inside bins, under cars, inside a shabby homeless cats mouth. It was clear if someone had taken her man that she wasn't going to find him fast, if she found him at all.

Harley decided it was time to stop searching for a moment and sat down on top of an abandoned looking building. She sighed looking out at the city thinking 'Mr.J would love this'.

A heavy feeling of loneliness began to flow through her, as her once perky confidence and enthusiasm began to wear thin.

"It's hopeless. He's gone"

She stroked her fingers through one of her pigtails and started to cry. Her less than graceful sobbing echoed through a nearby alleyway.

A small shuffling noise caught her attention, making her turn her head around sharply. At first she presumed it to be just another pesky cat and carried on sobbing to herself, but when the shuffling continued she found herself looking straight back over at whatever it was. A low, tamed voice came through the shadows.

"For what reason is a girl of your...persuasion, doing crying alone on a rooftop?"

Harley frowned, unable to recognise the voice.

"Who...Who is it? If it's you again peggers, I'm not interested!"

The mysterious figure moved subtly through the shadows, remaining well hidden.

"I believe we have not been formally introduced, although i have heard much about you, Miss Quinn."

He stepped out from the shadows, standing tall in front of her. She tilted her head right back looking up at him.

"I am Azrael, a champion warrior from the Order of St. Dumas."

"Order of St. dumb ass?"

"It's Dumas."

"Yea, yea. Potato, potatto. What's your reason for disturbing my busy lifestyle? I ain't exactly seen ya 'round 'ere."

"An observant one aren't you. I am here to deliver a prophecy to Batman, as foretold to me by the order. He will reach his end very soon."

"Oh? Mr.J would love to know that...Ya haven't seen my Mr.J, have ya? He seems to be missin'. I've looked everywhere!"

Azrael pondered for a short moment before looking into her eyes.

"I know not of his position. If I find him, I'll inform him of your location along with your depicted notion of concern. I must go, for the order awaits my return. Goodbye Miss Quinn"

Harley wiped her eyes and stood up. By the time she stood he had gone. She shouted down into the alley.

"Thank you. Enjoy St. dumb ass..."

She got herself together and exhaled deeply. She was finally ready to start looking again. Azrael had given her a new sense of hope and determination.

"I'm comin' Mr.J!"

She flipped down into the alley, bouncing off the walls.


	4. Chapter Four: Shakin' City

**Chapter Four: A Shakin' City.**

An unusually quiet Gotham lay at her feet. A city known for its many car chases and particularly noisy villains, was no longer itself. It was almost unsettling; like stepping into a dream, fuelled only by your want to understand the unfamiliar atmosphere surrounding you.

Harley stood admiring the changed city. There was a certain feel about it, that lured her in. As she slowly walked through the streets she looked around her, subtly checking behind her every now and then.

As Harley neared the centre of the city, she laid sight on familiar building. the building was broken and blown to pieces. only rubble, ashes and building fragments remained. she remembered the building well. she and Mr.J had blown it up during an encounter with the Batman. It was the first time her and him announced their villainous union and went noted as 'The Joker and his Harley Quinn'.

Harley couldn't help but admire the charcoal black, intertwining dead ivy coving the building pieces. it was beautiful in some strange way. Harley knew the leaf type was familiar but hadn't the foggiest as to why or even when she had encountered it.

The building bought back strong loving memories of her and Mr.J together, strengthening Harley's need to find her Puddin'. She was about to get going when sound of rustling leaves distracted her. she looked through the building pieces but couldn't see anyone. she stayed an extra moment just to be sure.

then it hit her. she realised why the leaves were familiar. she knew what it meant and who she was against.

the once dead ivy leaves sprung to life. they began blossoming, dancing from their curled state. the once vibrant tones of green returning to the leaves, glistening against the rubble.

Harley began to back up as some more dangerous, unnatural plants began to appear. First a bright purple flower with poisonous spray. then a Venus fly trap with a trap bigger than her head. she knew something was very wrong.

she stepped back a little further before becoming entangled in some branches. they wrapped themselves around her arms and legs.

"Hey! Lemme outta here!"

Harley struggled, as the branches grew in numbers.


	5. Chapter Five: A Flower A Day Keeps

**Chapter Five: A Flower A Day Keeps The B-Man Away.**

As the grip tightened further, lifting Harley into the air. Harley gasped loudly as the branches dug into her delicate wrists, cutting off her circulation. it seemed hopeless.

a sharp click was heard and the branches loosened.

"Now, now...Set her down gently"

A calm familiar voice, lulled the aggressive plants. as Harley's feet finally touched the floor, she sighed in relief. she fell to the floor exhausted.

"My sweet babies, that is no way to treat a woman. Especially the one, kind enough to have let me out of Arkham all those years ago."

Harley looked up. Ivy stood in front of her smiling, reaching her hand down, offering Harley some assistance.

"Thank Ivy. What're you doin'?"

"What am I doing? Oh Harley, you haven't changed a bit have you?"

Ivy paused to chuckle. she briefly looked Harley over before commenting once more.

"Exploring Gotham, Finding some small valuables along the way. you of all people should know about the finer things to find in Gotham."

"Haven't you got anythin' better to do?"

"Meaning?"

Ivy's tone became lower and somewhat more intimidating.

"I...I just meant that...Gotham's full of places to be caught by B-man...Why not go elsewhere?"

"Why haven't you left Gotham yet then, If that really is what you think."

"I would but, Mr.J..."

"He'd get angry? Harley, what have I told you about that good for nothing man. Men are all the same, plant a kiss on you one day, and the next spray you with weed killer."

"It's not quite like that. I mean, he's done things like that before but he's different to what people say. he's sweet and he's my Puddin'!"

"Harley! he'll never change. I thought same as you when I first laid sight of him in Arkham but after trying to trust him, he managed to take over an entire asylum and keep me intentionally locked away. he's cruel and you're naive my little Harley"

"He's not and i'm not a nave!"

"What? I called you a..."

Ivy sighed.

"...Nevrmind."

"besides he can't do a lot of mischief right now"

"Oh? why not? Batman caught him again?"

"Huh? I wish it were that easy. Mr.J's gone missin'...an' I don't know where to find him. I've looked everywhere. even that guy from saint dumb ass couldn't help."

"Saint dumb ass? Perhaps its better that you can't find him."

"Oh Ivy, you don't really mean that do you?"

"I guess not. What can I do to shut you up and send you on your way little harlequin."

"Harley Quinn!"

Harley tutted in annoyance. Ivy had known her for many years, how dare she get her name wrong. Harley exhaled deeply and calmed herself down. if she wanted to find Mr.J, getting angry with Ivy wasn't going to help.

"Please Ivy, help me find Mr.J!"

"I'll have a look whilst visiting my favourite flower garden. Hopefully Jervis won't stop me enhancing his dying daises this time around...I'll keep an eye out for you. alright?"

Harley jumped around excitedly, wrapping her arms tightly around Ivy.

"Oh thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Ivy winced, trying not to seem as though she was enjoying it. Ivy softly smelt Harley's flowery scented hair, before pushing Harley away.


End file.
